How to Exercise Connection: a daily routine
by Anne Marie Vivienne
Practice Connection: A Social Integration Daily Routine
“Face-to-face contact releases a whole cascade of neurotransmitters, and like a vaccine, they protect you now in the present and well into the future. So simply making eye contact with somebody, shaking hands, giving somebody a high-five is enough to release oxytocin, which increases your level of trust and it lowers your cortisol levels. So it lowers your stress. And dopamine is generated, which gives us a little high and it kills pain. It’s like a naturally produced morphine.”
Studies by researcher Julianne Holt-Lundstad revealed that the number one and number two predictors of a long life were related to the strength of our social lives:
Social Integration
Close Relationships
It was not exercise, diet, or thinking positively. Close relationships are those people in our lives who we can call when we’re feeling depressed, need to go to the hospital, or have them pick up our kid from soccer practice. The science says we should have 3 of these people, and we can really only manage to maintain up to 5 of these.
Social Integration is about the micro-interactions we have throughout the day. Do you take time to say hello to the people you pass on your walk or run? Do you stop to talk to a neighbor on your walk? Do you ask a colleague how their weekend was when you pass them in the hallway? Do you have dinner with your family or friends most days?
Susan Pinker suggest that we build in-person interactions into our agendas as well as our cities and workplaces. We can start with our agendas––practicing connection, social integration, on a daily basis.
Morning Routine
Morning is the springtime of our day––we’ve just emerged from our beds and the sun is beginning to light up the world again.
• It Starts with You
Begin your social interaction with yourself during your meditation or exercise routine. Check in with yourself. Acknowledge any feelings you have and practice self-compassion. Be there for yourself, and you’ll be able to approach other interactions throughout the day from a rooted place.
• Greet the Regulars
Who’s part of your everyday morning routine? The people you pass on your run/walk? Say hello to them, smile, and make eye contact. Your spouse, kids, roommates? No need to be super chatty, but try a simple “good morning” and a gentle smile with a hug. Ease into your day and commit to the natural rhythms of conversation and silence.
Mid-morning Exercises
• Practice a mini-conversation with your local barista as you pick up your coffee.
• Say hello to coworkers and friends as you first encounter them. If you don’t want to always ask “how are you?” or “how was your night/weekend?” then try simply saying, “it’s good to see you. Wanna catch up at lunch today?”
• Decide when and how you will be able to interact with people throughout your day. If you commonly get interrupted in your own tasks, simply acknowledge a person and their request while also kindly asking if you can talk about it later in the afternoon when you’ll be better able to concentrate on their question. You don’t have to let interruptions overrun your day in the name of connection. Just be real and honest with people about your time while letting them know you will make time for them.
Lunch
Really. Take a lunch break. Sit with others. Go out. Meet up with a friend. Eat with people.
You might be worried about taking the time to blithely lunch with others. But you’ll lower your stress and be more effective in your work later on. Pace yourselves, over-achievers. Avoid burnout and engage in the thing that will really contribute to a long life: in-person social interaction.
Afternoon
The summer of your day––which is why we might get a little lethargic the same way we feel on a beautiful hot summer day and all you want to do is lounge about on the grass in a park with a book. It’s also the part of the day where we might do better making our way out of our cubicles or offices to be more social. This would be a great time to schedule meetings rather than continuing to work in isolation on individual tasks.
If you don’t work in an office, you could make your way to your local coffee shop or park to simply run into people where you can give a casual hello. Or maybe you schedule a coffee break (Fika style) with a friend you’ve been meaning to catch up with. Break up your afternoon with social interaction to get through the sleepiness of it all.
Evening
The autumn of your day when you gather with family or friends for meal time, and thinking about the harvest of your day.
• Susan Pinker talks about how the Italian centenarians she interviewed always had a “kitchen party” going on when she arrived for her visit. Have a kitchen party as you prepare and enjoy a good meal with someone.
• Take a casual post-meal walk. If you can do this with friends or family, great! If it’s just you, take at least 20 minutes to stroll around the block. Say hello to neighbors and watch the sun slowly make its way down to the horizon.
Night
The winter of our 24-hour cycle. Hibernation. You’ll feel yourself tired and drained so social connection winds down. Read a book and say goodnight––to someone. When I was single for a few years, I often called a sibling, a friend, or my mom before I went to bed. If no one was available, I simply said goodnight to myself with all the self-love I could muster. Goodnights have to be the sweetest of social interactions––even if it’s just you.